Can I just write this blog without upsetting anyone? Probably not, but I do want to write this so I’ve chosen to put any possible upsetness up on a shelf where I can ignore it for now. Today I’m writing about race. Actually, I’m writing about race and all the other elements that make us different, but race is the most controversial. More than gender or sexual orientation, I believe. I’ve written and ranted about this before, but I need to clarify a huge aspect which brings much anger to some. I’m a black woman. Brown. I’m actually a lot less brown in real life than I am in my mind. I’m always surprised to notice how much lighter I am than the friends I thought were lighter than me. But when I was little… oh wait, I have to explain that I grew up in Groningen in the late '70s/early ‘80s. I was the only black kid in my school. So....... when I was little, in kindergarten to be precise, I didn’t know I was black. I was just a girl, the same as any other girl in class. I didn’t like the horrible, horrible school milk and I loved the fluoride mouthwash. Especially the blue one. I could run even faster than some of the boys and I was one of the few who knew that it was possible to poop and pee at the same time. One day I was home and looked at myself in the mirror and I realized for the first time that no one else had that halo of curly baby hair, proudly (read: stubbornly) crowning their face. I clearly remember this moment, because for the first time I saw my own face as different than all the other faces I saw every day. There was no judgement in that moment, just observation. With this background info out there now, I’ll continue about my actual point. The essence of this blog. And that is, that we should stop making race a difference. Stop making it relevant information, since it’s not. Look at the person, just like I did before I saw my own color, and start emphasizing the aspects that are relevant (like knowing that you can poop and pee at the same time). I want to see headlines like ‘Entrepreneur who overcame much adversity donates basketball court to childhood neighborhood’. Or ‘Astronaut who grew up in welfare receives award for scientific discovery’. Or ‘Young Activist with Dyslexia Writes First Book’. Why would it be relevant that they’re black. What’s significant is that they overcame adversity, that they accomplished something in spite of something. There’s much pain in the race problem. Unthinkable, unspeakable pain. Pain we would not wish upon our worst adversaries. Pain every black person is confronted with every day. Pain non-black people will never understand. Pain non-black people don’t see. Pain that doesn’t even exist in their universe. And it’s not fair. It’s not. It’s not fair that we have to deal with something that is so hard to overcome. Someone should pay for it. No. That’s not how it stops. Pain doesn’t stop by inflicting more pain. Pain stops by healing. By feeling aaaall of the cuts and bruises and wounds and lacerations. Mourn all you need to mourn, where there is space for mourning. Heal where there is space for healing. Agitate where there is space to agitate. And then, live in the energies of fairness and equality you want to see reign in the world. Pain stops by living in the vibes you do want to feel. And this shift is not going to come from the majority. The ones who can't feel it, because it's not their pain. This shift has to come from the ones feeling it. Healing always, always, always happens within. Now, take a moment and feel into the difference (I mean truly feel and not listen to what sounds better, but feeeeel the difference) between ‘successful black entrepreneur’ and ‘successful entrepreneur who overcame adversity’. Which feels more neutral? Most people think that to add the ‘black’ in the first headline brings a sense of pride to being black, but that is not truly the part that makes us proud. It’s the overcoming adversity implied that makes us proud, because they’re a minority and they've overcome more than the average majority entrepreneur. SO CELEBRATE THAT. And allow anyone else to join in the celebration. Why should a purple person not be allowed to feel proud of someone who became successful. Stop making race an aspect to celebrate or despise. It’s neither. If you want equality, stop making ‘black movies’. Stop making ‘black universities’. Stop making ‘black award ceremonies’. INFILTRATE the majority life and demand your own space there, as the worthy human being you are. If you want race to not make a difference, STOP MAKING IT A DIFFERENCE. There’s no point in harping on about equality if you keep glorifying the aspect that is the essence of the inequality. Glorifying it just perpetuates the inequality you don’t want. And what use is it anyway. Is it a special accomplishment to be born black? No. It is as much an accomplishment as being born with 10 fingers. It just happened. And we’re not celebrating everyone with 10 fingers either. Please look at race the same way if you have to decide to mention it or not. So the huge difference, that has hopefully become a bit clearer now, is that I’m not saying there isn’t any pain in being black. Or that the pain we deal with isn’t worthy of attention or healing. What kind of therapist would I be if that were my sentiment. What I am saying is that we, the ones who want equality for ourselves, should stop perpetuating inequality by celebrating our race, because that did not require any accomplishment and should absolutely not make us different in any way, either positively or negatively. Celebrate what the person did first, their accomplishment. Maybe explain why this was such an accomplishment afterwards, but don’t celebrate and perpetuate the apartheid. One love <3
2 Comments
Welkom. Zoals eenieder, zijn jullie ook welkom. Maar weet, dat van alle mensen die hier nieuw komen wonen, we van jullie het meest verwachten. Wanneer je uit de aankomsthal komt zie je het meteen, de woorden BON BINI. Begin het meteen goed uit te spreken ook in je hoofd, bong bienIE, met de klemtoon op de laatste i en niet de eerste. Nooit meer fout zeggen please. Als je moet antwoorden dat het goed gaat, bon, zeg je ook bong en niet bon. Bon is alleen bon in bon dia, bon tardi, bonochi. Train jezelf om de kuilen in de weg te omzeilen. Er zijn er zoveel dat je auto je dankbaar zou zijn, als dat kon. Begin ook te wennen aan veel drinken. Alcohol drinken. We drinken hier meer dan in Nederland, maar we worden niet zo l*l* wanneer we dronken zijn. We kunnen nog altijd normale gesprekken voeren, we kunnen zelfs naar huis rijden en nog steeds alle kuilen ontwijken. Dus begin thuis te oefenen. Niet met bier, maar met rum of whiskey. Je moet hier vaker douchen. Minstens 2 keer per dag, 's ochtends en voor het slapen, maar als je ’s avond nog uitgaat dan nog een derde keer. Ook meteen andere kleren aandoen. Drink ook genoeg water, gewoon water. Meer dan je lekker vindt. Het went. Echt doen. Leer niet te krabben aan de muggenbulten. Knip desnoods je nagels voorlopig helemaal kort, als je maar niet krabt. Check altijd je schoenen voordat je ze aandoet. Er kunnen zomaar beestjes die prikken in zijn gaan zitten. Als je schoenen meebrengt uit Nederland, breng dan alleen leren schoenen. Die van plastic vergaan binnen 2 jaar. Curaçao is wel island life all year 'round, maar je kunt niet altijd en overal je slippers naar aandoen ok. En als ze stoffig zijn, je slippers of je voeten, even borstelen met water en zeep. Stoffig anything, is vies. Dat betekent dat jij ook vies bent. Ja, vooroordeel. Sowieso moet je je beter gaan kleden. Ja, zelfs beter dan dat. En je haren vaker wassen en leuk laten knippen. Dress to impress. En zelfs al heb je schijt aan alles, dan nog moet je schoon zijn en moeten je kleren zonder vlekken, gaten en uitgerekte randen zijn. Je mag ook nooit of te nimmer stinken. Like ever. Deo, desnoods een paar keer per dag, maar die axe deo... get rid of it. Serieus. Nu meteen weggooien en een andere deo gaan kopen in de botika. Laat je kinderen buiten spelen. Hoe meer en vaker ze spelen met lokale kinderen hoe beter. En als ze vloeiend Papiamentu leren, krijg je van ons bonuspunten. Als je hier in het ziekenhuis bevalt van een kind krijgt de moeder heldenstatus en is je kind niet meer van jullie, maar van ons. Je moet trouwens bij lokale moeders, niet aan het gezicht van hun kind komen. Armen en schouders zijn ok, gezicht en haren niet. Liefst ook niet zomaar aan zwangere buiken komen. En krullen van anybody zijn ten alle tijde off limits. Vergeet BVN en kijk gewoon de Amerikaanse kanalen. Wij kijken nooit naar BVN en zullen ook niet met je meekletsen wanneer je het erover wilt hebben. Behalve misschien wanneer Curaçao onderwerp was in DWDD en iemand het op facebook heeft gedeeld. Maar kijk naar de amerikaanse kanalen en leer beter engels spreken. Kinderen van 3 hier spreken het waarschijnlijk beter dan jij. Als je ergens komt, maakt niet uit waar, groet wanneer je binnenkomt. In de supermarkt, bondia, het restaurant, bonochi, de botika, bontardi, de bus, bondia, een feestje, bonochi en ga daarna iedereen langs om je voor te stellen. Groet overal de bewaker, ook wanneer je weer weggaat. En geef hem een tip als hij op de auto's heeft gelet. Als je ergens wordt uitgenodigd, kom niet met lege handen aan, zelfs al kom je er wekelijks en onuitgenodigd. Als je weggaat en er wordt je iets aangeboden, gewoon aannemen, masha danki en meenemen. Ga ook eens naar de lokale kapper, laat de lokale aircomonteur komen, naar de lokale snèk, de lokale hindú, de rommelwinkel, de tire service en de toko. Koop alleen geen vlees bij de toko. Check alles wat je anywhere koopt op vervaldatum of schimmel en probeer vooral lokale groente en fruit te kopen. Onze boeren doen wat ze kunnen en we mogen best wat meer van ze afnemen. Als je ergens nieuw gaat wonen, ga bij je buren langs om je voor te stellen. En dus niet met lege handen. Wijn is fine, maar een sixpack polar is beter. Nodig ze meteen uit voor een bbq bij jou thuis. Als je een fruitboom hebt staan, breng wat van de vruchten voor je buren wanneer ze rijp zijn. Vinden we altijd leuk. En leer de auto’s kennen die in je straat wonen, dan kan je je hand opsteken wanneer ze langs rijden. Leer op blote voeten te lopen, ook op de steentjes op het strand. Het is de mindset waardoor het niet meer pijn doet, niet de zenuwen in je voetzolen. Als je naar een BYO bbq gaat, niet ervan uitgaan dat het ijs waar je eten in ligt goed genoeg is om in iemand's drankje te doen. Dat is not done. Koop een extra half zakje en laat die in het zakje, voor de ijsblokjes in het drinken. Je moet elke keer dat je uit huis gaat je tanden poetsen. En ook je tong. Vergeet nooit je tong te poetsen, asjeblieft. Doe ons allemaal die favor. Misschien is het even wennen, maar het is voor ons vermoeiend om alleen in 1 taal te spreken. No worries, het went wel snel. Sowieso moet je je oren in andere bochtjes gaan leggen, want we verzinnen soms nieuwe woorden waar je bij staat. Feestjurkjes zijn trouwens geen strandjurkjes. Somehow is dát niet het moment om te overdressen. Hou je feestjurkjes voor feestjes of geef ze aan de schoonmaakster als je ze echt niet meer aan wilt. Over de schoonmaakster gesproken: afronden naar boven, mag. Vooral als ze met de bus komt. En met kerst mag ze een kerstpakketje van je krijgen. Ga maar maken. Mandje halen bij Welcome Shop. Lekkere dingen halen in de supermarkt. Vooral duur fruit, blauwe bessen, bramen, kersen en aardbeien. For once mag het. Blijf gewoon stamppot eten als je dat lekker vindt. Erwtensoep met rookworst kan, ook in de tropen. Als je niet zeker weet of je iets fout doet, vraag het aan iemand waaraan je kan zien dat ze staat te popelen om het je uit te leggen als ze alleen maar de kans kreeg. Dat mensen je appen voor 7AM lijkt normaal te worden. Is het niet, maar niemand zegt er wat van. Neem je honden mee naar Nederland als je terug gaat. Of laat het anders aan NIEMAND weten wanneer dat niet kan. Meubels hier zijn duur. Neem mee whatever in de container past en wees er zuinig op. Aan het water wonen lijkt trouwens veel leuker dan het is. Don’t believe the hype. Hou er rekening mee dat we hier 5 miljoen meer beestjes hebben dan in Nederland. Als je niet tegen beestjes kan, niet hier komen wonen. Het is hier ook 5 miljoen keer stoffiger. Je kan elke dag de vloer vegen. Als je gillend gek wilt worden moet je dus daarmee beginnen. Ook al kom je putjes scheppen, als je blank bent denkt iedereen dat je rijk bent. Wen er maar aan, want dat gaat niet veranderen. Tenzij je één van die mannen wordt die dagelijks bij de lokale snèk gaat hangen en echt geen geld blijkt te hebben. Maar zelfs dan zullen er een paar zijn die blijven denken dat je stiekem toch rijk bent. Probeer je een beetje te verdiepen in de lokale problematiek. En dan bedoel ik niet straathonden opvangen, want dat is het symptoom van een diepere problematiek. Daarom, verdiepen. Er is extreme armoede hier. Dat zou je niet denken, maar het is wel realiteit. Kinderen die alleen 1 keer per dag eten, de maaltijd die ze op school krijgen van het voedselprogramma. Kinderen die kartonnen schoenzolen aan hun schoenen vastmaken met nietjes om niet blootsvoets naar school te gaan. Moeders die 3 jobs hebben en zelfs dan nog niet rondkomen. Als je je ergens druk over wilt maken, begin daar.
Als je toch echt de honden het allerbelangrijkste vindt, kijk dan of je lokale organisaties kunt steunen die kinderen vorming geeft over het houden van huisdieren. Curaçao is het eiland van extremen. Ook in jezelf. Blijf dagelijks doen aan zelfreflectie en blijf communiceren met je partner, anders overleeft je relatie Curaçao niet. Gegarandeerd. Extreem is ook hoe het de ene dag voelt alsof dit het paradijs is en de andere dag het penthouse van de maffia. Allebei zijn waar. Bon biní na Kòrsou, dushinan. 'Get rid of your ego!' 'Let go of your ego!' 'Overcome your ego!' You hear it all the time. Apparently, the ego is bad and we should act as if we don't have one. Having an ego makes you selfish, arrogant, proud and who knows what else. Oh I know what else, it makes you 'unspiritual'! I, of course, think differently or I wouldn't be writing this blog. God/Source/Creator/Allah/Jah/Upstairs/Infinite Intelligence doesn't make mistakes. And honestly, why do we think he would? She made every single person with an ego. It's built-in! That's gotta tell you that it must have a purpose. Its purpose is to keep us alive. It is at all times concerned with our survival and its task is to alert us to danger. To discern if we can take on that buffalo or if we should make a run for it. It helps us distinguish the edible root from the poisonous root. The ego is actually pretty useful. You should be high-fiveing your ego! Yes, I'll wait. It is your ego that helps you stock up on supplies, to guard your feeling of safety and abundance. If it has managed to accumulate enough (and preferably a little more than enough), it is satisfied. The ego gets a bad rep (for reputation, so don't write rap again) because we don't see how it is trying to serve us by securing our survival. That guy who is always bragging, does so because somehow his ego is convinced that by being the best, having the newest and being the fastest, his survival is secured. Back in caveman times, being the best hunter, the fastest runner, the one with the biggest supply for the winter months, meant you were gonna live to see another day. Are you getting a new appreciation for your ego? Can you see how sweet it is? I mean, who else takes care of you like that. Besides your mom. Same with your colleague who constantly takes all the credit. Same with the mom who makes a contest out of her child's accomplishments. Same with you posting the smartest comments on social media. It's all because of our concern for our own survival. But, our survival isn't as easily threatened as it used to be in caveman times. We now have several meals a day, we don't have to risk our lives to get them, we are protected from harsh weather conditions and we have modern medicine in case we need it. The ego didn't have as much to do for a few generations, so it quit its job. It was seen living under a bidge for a while, talking to itself and throwing stones at cars driving by. But now it is back. With a new strategy: stressors. It has been looking for stressors in our daily functioning because, in a way, stressors are a threat to our lives. We may not notice it consciously, but stress factors have us convinced that we'll 'survive' by being the best employee, having the best kid, being the smartest out there. The ego saw opportunity, so it took a shower, faked a master's degree in Human Survival and got its old job back. Because it loooooves keeping us alive. But all metaphors aside, let's ease up on our battle against the ego. It's a battle you'll loose either way. You cannot change your hardware. It may be noble to try to, but it's more mindful to accept aaaaaaall of yourself. Especially parts of yourself that keep you alive. I know it's tricky. We all want to have an easier life. And the possibility of getting it through arrogance, pride and selfishness smells so tantalizingly delicious. Except it isn't. Our fear for our own survival can play tricky tricks on the trickable mind. Giving in to the ego's strategies means it will grow stronger and trigger bigger reactions to the stressors in our lives. Your ego may tell you that you'll be passed for promotion if you keep letting your colleague take all the credit. And then you won't be able to afford groceries. And then you'll starve and then you're dead. Game over. So beat your colleague at their own game and demand all the credit for yourself! You're not about to starve are you?! Whoosaaaah.... This is when mindfulness comes in. - Take a deep breath and realize that your fears are irrational. That you'll be fine, without being the best. You've managed to get this far. Must mean you're pretty good at surviving. - Silently thank your ego for having your back and reassure it that you're fine. You have a roof over your head, a belly full of food and a healthy body. Tell it that it doesn't need to look for other threats. - Remind yourself that you're worthy of all the blessings life has to offer, just for existing, and see them coming into your life. - Whoosaaah again for good measure. Appreciate your ego. Let it exist within the space that was designed for it. Be aware when it starts to expand and cut it down when you see it growing in places where it shouldn't. But, let it exist. I'm not a human design expert, but I'm pretty sure we use the same mechanism to tell apart blue from yellow, left from right, big from small. Just like we're able to determine what's safe and what's dangerous. So Just like we're starting to appreciate natural hair, because we were fabulously born with it, we can start to appreciate our ego for the same reason. And you know what, once you train yourself to not be on the alert all the time for survival, you can actually start living. Now, repeat to yourself... I want to be honest. I have been feeling like I must suck at life. I have been putting in 40 years of effort and I'm not accomplishing anything worthwhile. I'm not making a mark on the world and I'm not living some other things that are important to me. I feel like I obviously must not have any talent for life and I have been feeling down since I realized this. But. Five and a half months ago I had a beautiful, bright ray of pure life joy come into my life, Luca. The most wonderful puppy on the island. She sparkled with energy and love of life. Always up for a game or a walk or both, or just follow me around at all times to lay down by my feet. She was smart and was relentless in her pursuit of the cat. To her, the cat must have been the most boring puppy ever to have existed. He must have been faulty, because he never wanted to play and his barks were all wrong too. And it was her daily challenge to steal his food. I took Luca for walks at the beach three or four times a week. Sometimes as training, on the leash. And other times free to run wild through the sand, which she did. She stuck her nose in anything and if she found something that fit in her mouth it would go in her mouth. A few weeks ago she bit my finger hard when I was trying to pry a bone out of her mouth. She probably thought it was the bone, that's how hard she bit down on my finger. My nail bed broke and I still have the hemorrhage underneath as a reminder of her hunger to experience and taste everything. She was as brave as any superhero. She was always 'securing the perimeter' before I went anywhere, even though she was scared to go there herself. She walked through spiky plants, on slippery rocks, jumped on and off docks that were too high for her and she barked at me if I went swimming in the sea, because she couldn't secure that whole big wet noisy moving thing. Eventually, her solution became to sit still and stare me out of the water. Worked every time. Her eyes were the best eyes in the whole world. I have never seen such complete devotion and trust in any other eyes. Is there a word that means completer than complete? I would like to use that to describe what I saw in her eyes. And I love her so, so much for that. Every day I would hug and squeeze her and tell her how happy I was that she was in my life and that, in a way, she had chosen to live with me. That she was so amazing, so smart, so beautiful, such a joy to have around. She would then turn away from me, probably because she was tired of hearing the same thing over and over. Then I'd squeeze her some more, for good measure. But she got sick. It happened very fast and the vet doesn't know for sure, but it was probably Canine Ehrlichiosis (karpattenziekte). It started 5 days ago. She was eating a little less than usual and she was chasing the cat a little less. But I thought she was still ok. She was still bright and happy and following my every footstep. I didn't know it was serious. Until two days ago. She had gotten short of breath and was losing coordination. We both didn't sleep during the night. The next morning, yesterday, I took her to the vet and went back in the afternoon because she was getting worse and had stumbled to the most difficult corner in the yard as though saying 'this is where I want to die...'. I myself died a little right there. I couldn't bear seeing her like that. It hurt that she went from such a vibrant pup to a tiny baby that was feeling so miserable that she wanted to die. The vet said that her body was too weak and that I needed to make e decision... Now my heart is broken. How is it possible that a being that is so full of life and joy is no longer here and that I, not really seeing the point of it all, still am? It doesn't make any sense. I keep repeating this inside my head. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. I have been walking around the house, seeing signs of Luca everywhere. Smells, her toys, newspapers on the floor in her toilet corner, her bowls, her food in the fridge and in the pantry. I see the cat, preparing to have her jump on him from an invisible corner. But most of all I see signs of her in me. I have been saying good morning to her even though she's not on the other side of my door, because I can't yet handle not saying good morning to her. Out of habit I check the floor before I stretch my leg out or move my chair. I hear her nails on the floor tiles and I turn to not see her come running towards me. I open the door to the yard and I remind myself that we don't need to make a toilet round before going back in. I already knew this, but now more than ever I understand that Luca was a master at being loving and kind. I'm sure there are many more gifts she added to my life, but for now I am devastated by the size of her unconditional love for me. I hope I ever get to her level in my lifetime. I am sharing this personal story with you, because I need a way to pay tribute to the immense, loving being that was Luca, today, while I'm in my sadness. I am honoring her life by remembering that I should not undervalue the source of the love or kindness that is shown to me. I know this is cliche, but sometimes cliches exist for a reason. Kindness may come from someone who has nothing to give or a 2 year old or someone you don't even like. So train yourself to recognize it when it's in your life. Likewise, you should not underestimate the impact your kindness may have on someone else. If you can get to the unconditional level, like Luca was (and actually all dogs are), then you have truly mastered this thing called love. So what is corruption. For the last week I have been thinking about this question since I was asked to write a blog about it and, knowing that I’m not a corruption expert, I’ll just share my personal definition of corruption without looking it up in the dictionary. Corruption, to me, is every- and anything that is not truthful. Any situation, action or inaction where someone profits by not being honest. By my own definition we are all corrupt. Myself included. I’d have three fingers pointing back at myself if I dared to point one at someone else, claiming they’re corrupt. I download free music online and stream movies that are still playing in the theaters. Sometimes I drive into one-way streets from the wrong side. I have kept too much change for myself instead of giving it back to the cashier. I “borrowed” my mom’s car once to go out (and hit the fence trying to back it out of the yard. She never found out. Until now probably. Sorry mom!). And sometimes when I’m late I sliiiiiide through a red light, but this is only because I don’t have my own helicopter yet. There’s also corruption on a bigger scale. There are people who suddenly become the proud owners of a second car, a new yacht or a nice house on the waterfront. They got them as ‘gifts’, just for advising their clients that certain brands are better than others, when they should be neutral. Or what about giving your cousin the deal when you know he uses substandard materials. That’s corruption times corruption. Corruption². And there’s corruption on a huge scale, where a whole country or the entire world is duped because of some people’s interests. Certain treatment for illnesses that are used to “cure” a patient. Or letting everyone believe that certain foods are healthy when there’s evidence they’re not. Decimating the trees in the Amazon for mining operations. Power and profit are more important than everyone’s wellbeing, it seems. Some corruption seems worse than others, especially if more people suffer as a result. But in reality it’s all relative. As ‘the perpetrator’ we all tell ourselves that it’s actually not so bad. In the moment of truth we all convince ourselves that worse things have happened. That we have a right to be happy and that we work hard for our piece of the pie. When the ones who will be cheated out of their piece are anonymous faces we have never seen and will never speak to, the decision becomes easy. And then we all do what we do. We cheat. I won’t compare one form of corruption to another, but what I want you to be aware of is that we all go through the same process. We all get to a point in certain situations where we have to choose between honesty and dishonesty. And in some cases we all… I repeat: we ALL, choose dishonesty. We all choose to benefit off of others’ detriment. We all decide to use our god given brain cells to cheat. Why? Because we don’t want to own up to the thought that we’re not enough. Not rich enough. Not good enough. Not there fast enough. Not smart enough. Not in control enough. And we’re even more afraid that others will find out. The disgrace! I want to propose an alternative. Because living on a small rock in a mighty big ocean, we should all realize that we need to live with each other. Not just co-exist, but LIVE. We really can’t afford to be nasty, disrespectful or dishonest to our fellow islanders unless we are willing to let our standards slide and live on a viciously competitive small island in a few years’ time. An island where it’s “everyone for themselves”. We do have another option. This is it: I am ok with not being enough and I am ok with you too not being enough. I’m ok with all of us being a little less awesome, a little less in control, a little less flawless than we really are. I’m ok with slowing down. I’m ok with not knowing some things. I’m ok with you not being able to do some things. I’m ok with them being wealthier than I am. I’m ok. Period. I’m owning my ok-ness and I hope you do too. So……….. next time, while I sit patiently in the traffic jam home and you want to insert your car from the parallel road I expect to see you holding up an EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA sign. That would be very ok.
The other day I went to a pet shop to get dog food for my puppy. The store owner and I got to talking about all the things a puppy can learn. Since I'm now training the puppy to walk on a leash, I took my time to explain what I've been doing, but the man barely listened and interrupted me to recommend a choke leash for this. I told him that I'd prefer the puppy to learn without being afraid of how I could hurt her. 'Yeah' he said 'well expect to be training her for at least two weeks then. With a choke leash it'll just take a day!' Again I explained why I didn't want that. He said 'but do you prefer to spend all that time on training her, when you can get it done in one day? Time is money!' I then explained that I have the time and that I don't mind, but the broken record kept repeating that time was money. A thought kept banging inside my mind, trying to break free, but my polite upbringing kept my tongue in check.
ALL THE PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD ARE BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU HAVE PUT MONEY ABOVE WHAT TRULY MATTERS
You know what? People like you were all wrong, sir. Time is not money. If time were money, no time would mean no money, and that is not so. No time means, no bonding, no connection, no rapport, no engagement and no willingness to be of service.
Ask any volunteer if time is money. Ask any terminally ill patient if time is money. Ask any new parent who is out working all day if time is money. Ask any person who is madly in love if time is money. Ask any homeless teenager if time is money. Ask any person who is about to commit suicide if time is money. Ask any addict if time is money. Excuse my bluntness, sir, but since my time is not money I would like to take a moment right now to very loudly yell a big fat NO to you and everyone like you. Time is exactly what we should be taking. Time, to be with others. Time, to connect and really find out what the other person needs to feel connected. Why is connection important? Because it fosters happiness and who doesn't want to be happy? Yes. The pet shop owner. All he wants is money. Maybe he eats it. Everyone else, I assume, wants to be happy. On the other hand there are people like this other man at a local building materials store. He saw me wandering around the store, probably looking lost, and took his time to ask what I was looking for. When he couldn't help me he directed me to another employee who might know what I could use for my idea. I thought the man would then leave and continue doing what he was doing, but no. He stood there with me and helped think of options. Then the three of us walked to an aisle where I found something that could work. And then, when he made sure I was satisfied with what we had found he left. That was awesome. I felt taken care of as a client and I felt taken seriously, even though what I was looking for will probably not save a whole construction from collapsing. To me it was important and it felt good that someone else saw that. So take the time. Be present with others. Put your device away. Stop the engine of your car. Take off your sunglasses and look people in the eyes. Connect. Even if it's for only 30 seconds, but connect. And then... when you've given all the connection you can, disengage and connect back to yourself. Oh... and money. Money = effort. Women do not notice all the ways men love them. A lot of women complain to their friends. Their man doesn't listen. He doesn't help out around the house or with the kids. He never says 'I love you'. But he says it in SO many ways. As an outsider looking in, I assure you it is heartbreaking to see men profess their love for their women and then in turn see these women ignore or even attack them for it. It's important to understand that most men come from a world where emotions are not shown openly. At least, not the warm, fuzzy and soft emotions. But, smart as they are, men have found a way around that. Instead, they show these horribly beautiful emotions in small gestures. Tiny gestures. And it is time that we, the women who have been brainwashed by Hollywood movies, start appreciating that. Start noticing the tiny gestures. Because if you knew how you keep breaking the heart of the man of your dreams, your life partner, the love of your life, you would die a little inside. When a man comes to pick you up for a date and he has showered, his clothes are clean and, very important ladies, his car is washed, he cares! For you! It doesn't matter what kind of clothes he's wearing. If they're clean and ironed and his car is washed, it means he has spent a good portion of the day preparing to go pick you up. Most men will never tell you that they cancelled plans to hang with friends that day, so they would have time to wash the car. So notice that! When your man says that your sister could help out more with taking care of your elderly mother, he is telling you, albeit in a very caveman way, that he sees you juggling your job, the kids, the household and the pets on top of taking care of your mother. But instead of thanking him for showing his concern, you attack him for not understanding and talking crap about your sister. Now he feels rejected and misunderstood. He is probably wondering how his attempt to show love and appreciation turned into this major discussion he now finds himself in. When your man comes home from work. He cares! If a man is tired or grumpy or stressed out, he will go to the place he feels most comfortable being all horrible. If that is with you, you're a lucky woman! And this is not a joke. It's much easier for men to call up a friend and go grab a beer or go to the gym and sweat it all out. So if you have a man who chooses to be close to you in the yucky moments, appreciate that. And let him show you how he wants to be near you. Don't push, don't pull. Just let it unfold. There is immense beauty in watching a man unfold. When a man wipes his feet before coming into the house. When he says that the food was delicious. When he puts his phone on silent when he is talking with you. When he is nice to your dog and he doesn't even like dogs. When he calls just to check if the day is still going according to plan, to confirm when and how you'll meet later. When he puts down the toilet lid. When he doesn't put his feet up on the dinner table. These are all ways in which a man shows his love. How is that? Because men don't do these things naturally. They operate from a functional mindset. Mind you, functional does not mean simplistic. It means: I'm hungry, I eat. I'm tired, I sleep. My legs are heavy, I put them up on the table. Men are not used to taking into consideration how they might make others feel. And they surely never want others to know how they are feeling! Being functional is safe. And men are experts at it. So if a man takes time to not be functional with you it is a big deal. It's outside his comfort zone. Most men don't want to be seen as soft. Soft is weak. Weak is death. It's a caveman thing. A survival thing. You will certainly see immediate improvement in the dynamic between you and your man when you start noticing his tiny gestures. And now comes the easy part: your appreciation can be tiny too. No need to make a big deal of it. Finding a way to acknowledge that his gesture didn't go unnoticed is really all it takes. 'Thank you for putting the lid down.' 'I love how you always come get me at the door.' 'Had a rough day? Just sit here and breathe. I'll take care of dinner.' |
Photos used under Creative Commons from julian_fern, Humphrey King