So what is corruption. For the last week I have been thinking about this question since I was asked to write a blog about it and, knowing that I’m not a corruption expert, I’ll just share my personal definition of corruption without looking it up in the dictionary. Corruption, to me, is every- and anything that is not truthful. Any situation, action or inaction where someone profits by not being honest. By my own definition we are all corrupt. Myself included. I’d have three fingers pointing back at myself if I dared to point one at someone else, claiming they’re corrupt. I download free music online and stream movies that are still playing in the theaters. Sometimes I drive into one-way streets from the wrong side. I have kept too much change for myself instead of giving it back to the cashier. I “borrowed” my mom’s car once to go out (and hit the fence trying to back it out of the yard. She never found out. Until now probably. Sorry mom!). And sometimes when I’m late I sliiiiiide through a red light, but this is only because I don’t have my own helicopter yet. There’s also corruption on a bigger scale. There are people who suddenly become the proud owners of a second car, a new yacht or a nice house on the waterfront. They got them as ‘gifts’, just for advising their clients that certain brands are better than others, when they should be neutral. Or what about giving your cousin the deal when you know he uses substandard materials. That’s corruption times corruption. Corruption². And there’s corruption on a huge scale, where a whole country or the entire world is duped because of some people’s interests. Certain treatment for illnesses that are used to “cure” a patient. Or letting everyone believe that certain foods are healthy when there’s evidence they’re not. Decimating the trees in the Amazon for mining operations. Power and profit are more important than everyone’s wellbeing, it seems. Some corruption seems worse than others, especially if more people suffer as a result. But in reality it’s all relative. As ‘the perpetrator’ we all tell ourselves that it’s actually not so bad. In the moment of truth we all convince ourselves that worse things have happened. That we have a right to be happy and that we work hard for our piece of the pie. When the ones who will be cheated out of their piece are anonymous faces we have never seen and will never speak to, the decision becomes easy. And then we all do what we do. We cheat. I won’t compare one form of corruption to another, but what I want you to be aware of is that we all go through the same process. We all get to a point in certain situations where we have to choose between honesty and dishonesty. And in some cases we all… I repeat: we ALL, choose dishonesty. We all choose to benefit off of others’ detriment. We all decide to use our god given brain cells to cheat. Why? Because we don’t want to own up to the thought that we’re not enough. Not rich enough. Not good enough. Not there fast enough. Not smart enough. Not in control enough. And we’re even more afraid that others will find out. The disgrace! I want to propose an alternative. Because living on a small rock in a mighty big ocean, we should all realize that we need to live with each other. Not just co-exist, but LIVE. We really can’t afford to be nasty, disrespectful or dishonest to our fellow islanders unless we are willing to let our standards slide and live on a viciously competitive small island in a few years’ time. An island where it’s “everyone for themselves”. We do have another option. This is it: I am ok with not being enough and I am ok with you too not being enough. I’m ok with all of us being a little less awesome, a little less in control, a little less flawless than we really are. I’m ok with slowing down. I’m ok with not knowing some things. I’m ok with you not being able to do some things. I’m ok with them being wealthier than I am. I’m ok. Period. I’m owning my ok-ness and I hope you do too. So……….. next time, while I sit patiently in the traffic jam home and you want to insert your car from the parallel road I expect to see you holding up an EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA sign. That would be very ok.
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The other day I went to a pet shop to get dog food for my puppy. The store owner and I got to talking about all the things a puppy can learn. Since I'm now training the puppy to walk on a leash, I took my time to explain what I've been doing, but the man barely listened and interrupted me to recommend a choke leash for this. I told him that I'd prefer the puppy to learn without being afraid of how I could hurt her. 'Yeah' he said 'well expect to be training her for at least two weeks then. With a choke leash it'll just take a day!' Again I explained why I didn't want that. He said 'but do you prefer to spend all that time on training her, when you can get it done in one day? Time is money!' I then explained that I have the time and that I don't mind, but the broken record kept repeating that time was money. A thought kept banging inside my mind, trying to break free, but my polite upbringing kept my tongue in check.
ALL THE PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD ARE BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU HAVE PUT MONEY ABOVE WHAT TRULY MATTERS
You know what? People like you were all wrong, sir. Time is not money. If time were money, no time would mean no money, and that is not so. No time means, no bonding, no connection, no rapport, no engagement and no willingness to be of service.
Ask any volunteer if time is money. Ask any terminally ill patient if time is money. Ask any new parent who is out working all day if time is money. Ask any person who is madly in love if time is money. Ask any homeless teenager if time is money. Ask any person who is about to commit suicide if time is money. Ask any addict if time is money. Excuse my bluntness, sir, but since my time is not money I would like to take a moment right now to very loudly yell a big fat NO to you and everyone like you. Time is exactly what we should be taking. Time, to be with others. Time, to connect and really find out what the other person needs to feel connected. Why is connection important? Because it fosters happiness and who doesn't want to be happy? Yes. The pet shop owner. All he wants is money. Maybe he eats it. Everyone else, I assume, wants to be happy. On the other hand there are people like this other man at a local building materials store. He saw me wandering around the store, probably looking lost, and took his time to ask what I was looking for. When he couldn't help me he directed me to another employee who might know what I could use for my idea. I thought the man would then leave and continue doing what he was doing, but no. He stood there with me and helped think of options. Then the three of us walked to an aisle where I found something that could work. And then, when he made sure I was satisfied with what we had found he left. That was awesome. I felt taken care of as a client and I felt taken seriously, even though what I was looking for will probably not save a whole construction from collapsing. To me it was important and it felt good that someone else saw that. So take the time. Be present with others. Put your device away. Stop the engine of your car. Take off your sunglasses and look people in the eyes. Connect. Even if it's for only 30 seconds, but connect. And then... when you've given all the connection you can, disengage and connect back to yourself. Oh... and money. Money = effort. Women do not notice all the ways men love them. A lot of women complain to their friends. Their man doesn't listen. He doesn't help out around the house or with the kids. He never says 'I love you'. But he says it in SO many ways. As an outsider looking in, I assure you it is heartbreaking to see men profess their love for their women and then in turn see these women ignore or even attack them for it. It's important to understand that most men come from a world where emotions are not shown openly. At least, not the warm, fuzzy and soft emotions. But, smart as they are, men have found a way around that. Instead, they show these horribly beautiful emotions in small gestures. Tiny gestures. And it is time that we, the women who have been brainwashed by Hollywood movies, start appreciating that. Start noticing the tiny gestures. Because if you knew how you keep breaking the heart of the man of your dreams, your life partner, the love of your life, you would die a little inside. When a man comes to pick you up for a date and he has showered, his clothes are clean and, very important ladies, his car is washed, he cares! For you! It doesn't matter what kind of clothes he's wearing. If they're clean and ironed and his car is washed, it means he has spent a good portion of the day preparing to go pick you up. Most men will never tell you that they cancelled plans to hang with friends that day, so they would have time to wash the car. So notice that! When your man says that your sister could help out more with taking care of your elderly mother, he is telling you, albeit in a very caveman way, that he sees you juggling your job, the kids, the household and the pets on top of taking care of your mother. But instead of thanking him for showing his concern, you attack him for not understanding and talking crap about your sister. Now he feels rejected and misunderstood. He is probably wondering how his attempt to show love and appreciation turned into this major discussion he now finds himself in. When your man comes home from work. He cares! If a man is tired or grumpy or stressed out, he will go to the place he feels most comfortable being all horrible. If that is with you, you're a lucky woman! And this is not a joke. It's much easier for men to call up a friend and go grab a beer or go to the gym and sweat it all out. So if you have a man who chooses to be close to you in the yucky moments, appreciate that. And let him show you how he wants to be near you. Don't push, don't pull. Just let it unfold. There is immense beauty in watching a man unfold. When a man wipes his feet before coming into the house. When he says that the food was delicious. When he puts his phone on silent when he is talking with you. When he is nice to your dog and he doesn't even like dogs. When he calls just to check if the day is still going according to plan, to confirm when and how you'll meet later. When he puts down the toilet lid. When he doesn't put his feet up on the dinner table. These are all ways in which a man shows his love. How is that? Because men don't do these things naturally. They operate from a functional mindset. Mind you, functional does not mean simplistic. It means: I'm hungry, I eat. I'm tired, I sleep. My legs are heavy, I put them up on the table. Men are not used to taking into consideration how they might make others feel. And they surely never want others to know how they are feeling! Being functional is safe. And men are experts at it. So if a man takes time to not be functional with you it is a big deal. It's outside his comfort zone. Most men don't want to be seen as soft. Soft is weak. Weak is death. It's a caveman thing. A survival thing. You will certainly see immediate improvement in the dynamic between you and your man when you start noticing his tiny gestures. And now comes the easy part: your appreciation can be tiny too. No need to make a big deal of it. Finding a way to acknowledge that his gesture didn't go unnoticed is really all it takes. 'Thank you for putting the lid down.' 'I love how you always come get me at the door.' 'Had a rough day? Just sit here and breathe. I'll take care of dinner.' SpiralsIn about 5 days I will complete my 40th spiral around the sun.
I have taken a whole year to get used to saying forty, by replying 'I'm almost 40' when someone asks me my age. Which at the same means forfeiting my last chances of saying thirtynine. And even that. Sacrificing my last thirtysomething year, did not help. Yesterday it hit me hard. The complete ridiculousness of having to say forty. Not believing your own age is weird. I know I don't look my age. And I know I don't feel my age. But with every cell of my body not believing my own age was a new level of weird. It's a twilight zone I didn't know existed inside myself. But enough about the shock. Let's do something else. This blog is called Spirals. Spirals are pretty. And they're the fabric that is our universe. Look at DNA. Now look at a galaxy. Now look at a wave. Now look at how the planets move around the sun. Now look at shells. Now try walking on a straight line when you're drunk. See? Spirals everywhere. Spirals are not the same as circles. They do move in circles, but go a level up. Or down. Depending on which way you're facing. More than 10 years ago I started kinda blogging on MySpace. Then, in 2007 I started writing a book. Then in October 2015 I wrote a guest blog for T'Aki Mi Ta Beba (TMTB). Many people liked it. Shared it. Posted it everywhere. Even today I was approached by a newspaper. They want to publish it. I asked them if they knew it was a blog from 2015. They don't care. Go ahead I said. They will they said. I continued blogging weekly with TMTB. Then I stopped blogging. 2 weeks ago. I needed a break. And some time to hide under my rock. I thought it would take at least a few months before I felt like blogging again. But my skin is turning yellow here, underneath my trusty old rock. My eyes watery. And my writing juices apparently are still flowing. Because here I am. Again. Writing. About nothing. Yet. Spirals are everywhere. |
Photos used under Creative Commons from julian_fern, Humphrey King